So I thought life was good and that everything was ok but it's not. Before I went to bed I was looking through some pictures that my baby's father's aunt posted on Facebook today. (Let me just say: BAD IDEA!) She just happened to get a picture of him and as I tried to go to sleep all I could think about were all the bad memories it brought back and a hidden anger that I didn't know I still had. Yeah, life is still good but this anger, this anger means everything is not as I thought. It just makes me so mad that he 1. denies he's my daughter's father. Have you seen Kaydence? She's beautiful, so precious. How could you not love her? How could you deny her?? 2. thinks he's so much better than me..don't even get me started with this one, and 3. thinks his life is so hard. I'd like to see him do what I do every day. Cause he couldn't. He wouldn't be able to handle it. He couldn't last five minutes in my shoes. And his family thinks as little of me as he does. As if I'm the only one who ever made mistakes. It's hard to know what to do. As much as I want to get a paternity test to prove to them that he is her dad, I don't want him to fight me for custody then because he is NO condition to care for a baby. And he doesn't live in a safe environment for her either. I want so bad to get it just to prove everyone wrong..But I wonder if it would even make any difference because neither him nor his family deserve to have her in their life. They have been so rude and cold to me throughout everything. Did any of them ever offer to take me to my appointments? Did they ever offer to buy me anything? The answer to those questions is quite simply NO.
And I wonder if things will ever change...
Friday, May 27, 2011
So today bean and I went to school for a little Spanish party. We had a good time seeing everyone. She got to meet my math teacher and an old Spanish teacher of mine. We had some nachos and tacos. Listened and danced to music and played dominos. It was great. I love taking her to school. All the kids are so infatuated by her. They act like they have never seen a baby before, it's so funny. All the heads turn. I normally don't like being the center of attention but when it's because of baby I don't mind, I looove showing her off :) She is my pride and joy and my reason for everything.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
It's been a while. So many things have happened since the last time I posted. I find myself thinking a lot about nature and God's creation. It's just so amazing how he made us and how we as people figured out how to do things such as make roads and having them lead from state to state. I find it mind blowing. On a completely different note, I am proud to say that as of June 2, 2011 I will be a high school graduate. It's been hard, but oh so worth it. I honestly never thought this day would come and here it is, staring me right in the face. It's kind of scary but I'm ready to take that next step. Hopefully soon I will have a job and a car :) Then I'm thinking of college in the fall. Just HACC which will eventually take me to Wilson College (hopefully). More to come later, but before I go, let me just say life, Life is Good and so is God. Things are looking up :)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
As things took a turn for the even worse today I find myself hurting much more than I wish I was. No matter how much I try to myself I don't care, I don't want him, and that it's for the best I can't believe it. It puzzles me that no matter how much and how hard I try to make things work they always fall apart. I can't help but wonder what I am doing that is so wrong. All I want is the best for him and by trying to help him make the right decisions somehow I am the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. The worst part is seeing and feeling how much I care about and love him even when I shouldn't. No matter what he does to me, how angry or hurt he makes me, at the end of the I still love him.
What is wrong with me...
What is wrong with me...