Changes

I realize that I've made this blog more about just me than me and my little girl. So in this short time that I've been writing this blog, baby girl has grown a lot!! She got more shots this past Wednesday at the doctor. It's never fun, but she does so well with it. As soon as it's over she immediately starts to calm down. We also found out that she is now 14 pounds 14 ounces and she is 25 and 1/4 inches long. She's grown so much, it's crazy. I was looking through all the pictures I have posted on Facebook and I remember when she was just born as if it were yesterday. How little and quiet she was at 8 pounds 1 ounce and a whopping 21 inches. Now she's growing big and quite a talker. She's always been alert but now she's more interested in things, always reaching out and grabbing whatever she can to play with. I love it. She's found her toes, and she loves to grab onto them and now that she's trying to sit up, she likes to lean over and eat them sometimes. She can also hold her head up well enough to play in an exerciser. And I'm pretty sure she's getting a tooth :) Fun stuff, let me tell ya! Her nights have definitely not been as good as usual, which stinks, but it's so exciting, I can't wait for that little tooth to make its way through :)

Hard Times

Lately I've just been so exhausted. It takes everything I have to scrounge up an hour's worth of energy. As my journey of being a single parent continues, I find it taking a toll on me. Little by little it's wearing me down. I don't quite know how I'm going to handle it when I have a job. I could barely make it through five hours of school, how am I going to make it through a long day at work? (which that search isn't coming up very good. i have applied to many places and heard back from one. and that was to tell me i'm not qualified--you have to be 18, but i figured i'd still apply since i will be 18 in 9 days) I also find myself wanting someone...a guy, to come and just sweep me off my feet. Someone to make everything alright, to help me raise my child, to give me comfort and security. I love my little girl but I hate doing this on my own. When I found out I was going to be a mom, this is not what I had in mind. I always thought he'd stay to support me, and he did for a little while, but it didn't last. I always had high hopes and he let me down. Of everything he's ever said or done to me, it was the biggest disappointment of them all. The way he treats me isn't any better. I try to stay in touch and be friendly but he's just so mean. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this.. My heart breaks every time I think about it. My daughter deserves so much more and the fact that I can't give that to her kills me :/

For Babygirl..

I GRADUATED :)
Now time to find a job....

Wordless Wednesday...

Well this post isn't wordless but it's sure how I've felt today. Many things have happened where I just don't even know what to say. There's so much I want to say but at the same time I don't want to say a word. From disappointment to nervousness to wanting to hide my intentions... It's quite difficult to explain where I'm coming from though when I don't want people to know my reasonings. Which are good, of course, and I'm doing what I know is best but it's just so hard. If only things were different then maybe my decisions wouldn't have to be so complicated. If people could just make good decisions and do good things with their life I wouldn't have to keep so much in the dark from everyone..
If only, if only.

Or So I Thought...

So I thought life was good and that everything was ok but it's not. Before I went to bed I was looking through some pictures that my baby's father's aunt posted on Facebook today. (Let me just say: BAD IDEA!) She just happened to get a picture of him and as I tried to go to sleep all I could think about were all the bad memories it brought back and a hidden anger that I didn't know I still had. Yeah, life is still good but this anger, this anger means everything is not as I thought. It just makes me so mad that he 1. denies he's my daughter's father. Have you seen Kaydence? She's beautiful, so precious. How could you not love her? How could you deny her?? 2. thinks he's so much better than me..don't even get me started with this one, and 3. thinks his life is so hard. I'd like to see him do what I do every day. Cause he couldn't. He wouldn't be able to handle it. He couldn't last five minutes in my shoes. And his family thinks as little of me as he does. As if I'm the only one who ever made mistakes. It's hard to know what to do. As much as I want to get a paternity test to prove to them that he is her dad, I don't want him to fight me for custody then because he is NO condition to care for a baby. And he doesn't live in a safe environment for her either. I want so bad to get it just to prove everyone wrong..But I wonder if it would even make any difference because neither him nor his family deserve to have her in their life. They have been so rude and cold to me throughout everything. Did any of them ever offer to take me to my appointments? Did they ever offer to buy me anything? The answer to those questions is quite simply NO.
And I wonder if things will ever change...

A Day at School

So today bean and I went to school for a little Spanish party. We had a good time seeing everyone. She got to meet my math teacher and an old Spanish teacher of mine. We had some nachos and tacos. Listened and danced to music and played dominos. It was great. I love taking her to school. All the kids are so infatuated by her. They act like they have never seen a baby before, it's so funny. All the heads turn. I normally don't like being the center of attention but when it's because of baby I don't mind, I looove showing her off :) She is my pride and joy and my reason for everything.

Good

It's been a while. So many things have happened since the last time I posted. I find myself thinking a lot about nature and God's creation. It's just so amazing how he made us and how we as people figured out how to do things such as make roads and having them lead from state to state. I find it mind blowing. On a completely different note, I am proud to say that as of June 2, 2011 I will be a high school graduate. It's been hard, but oh so worth it. I honestly never thought this day would come and here it is, staring me right in the face. It's kind of scary but I'm ready to take that next step. Hopefully soon I will have a job and a car :) Then I'm thinking of college in the fall. Just HACC which will eventually take me to Wilson College (hopefully). More to come later, but before I go, let me just say life, Life is Good and so is God. Things are looking up :)